My reflections on "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.." by Philippa Perry

I should start by saying this book is really not just for parents; it is for anyone willing to pause and consider the deeper implications of their actions and feelings on their loved ones.

I approach things critically, so like me, you might not agree with everything in this book. However, it's certainly a book that encourages self-reflection and self-improvement and it has had a positive impact on the most important relationships in my life. That's why I personally LOVED IT 😊.

Here are a few reflections inspired by the book:

1. Understanding Our Triggers

   
   

   

   
   

One of the book’s key takeaways is the importance of self-awareness. This is to examine the behaviours in our children that provoke the strongest reactions in us and to consider their roots in our own childhood experiences.

Recognizing that my frustration often stems from unresolved issues from my upbringing enables me to pause, reflect, and respond with empathy rather than reacting impulsively. For me, this is still a work in progress and I still get too upset at times (who doesn't!!), but what I've accomplished so far has already had a positive impact.

2. Emotions Are to Be Contained, Not Fixed

   
   

   

   
   

The book beautifully explains that children need their emotions to be validated, not dismissed or “fixed.” Perry describes the role of a parent as a “container” for their child’s feelings—a safe space where emotions can be expressed without fear of being judged.

Instead of rushing to distract or solve the problem, I’ve learned to acknowledge my child’s feelings, no matter how big or small they seem.

3. The Power of Play and Patience

   
   

   

   
   

One of the most surprising lessons was the emphasis on patience and letting children lead, slow down and live in the moment.

This change in my parenting style has been refreshing, especially since I tend to be somewhat of a control-freak. Allowing my child to explore and problem-solve at their own pace has surely fostered their independence.

5. Boundaries and Flexibility

   
   

   

   
   
   
   

Parenting is a balancing act between setting boundaries and staying flexible. Perry reminds us to empathize with our children’s feelings while knowing when to be firm and when to adapt.

I found out being flexible, offering choices and collaborating works much better than applying “discipline”. This is also a great way to gain mutual respect and understanding in the process.

6. The importance of parental absence on emotional development

   
   

   

   
   

It is common for a parent to withdraw from their child at a very similar age to when that parent's parent became unavailable to them. You might want to run away from these feelings, and from your child too, but if you do, you will pass down what was done to you. This is a particularly important aspect for me, as my father left the family when I was 10. Unfortunately, it's way too early to say if I have overcome this challenge, but my attempt to avoid an abrupt rupture is there.

7. How to Argue Effectively (and How Not To)

We should do our best to avoid falling into the trap of 'fact-tennis,' where both sides volley reasons back and forth, trying to outdo each other. The right approach (I really agree with this) is to just express your feelings about a situation and... STOP. For example:

“I felt ignored when this or that happened" and then the hardest part 😅, simply STOP.

This approach is valuable when managing disagreements, I found it very useful when disagreeing with my wife and it is also particularly important when children may witness the conflict.

Final Thoughts

Parenting isn’t about getting it right all the time—it’s about showing up, learning, and growing alongside our children. The most important gift we can give our kids is a deep sense of connection, validation, and love.

If you’re navigating the joys and challenges of parenting or just want to improve the relationships that matter to you, I can’t recommend this book enough.

These are my “Reflections on Philippa Perry's book". What lessons have shaped your parenting journey? Let’s share and grow together.

Please note, the images in this blog have been generated with the assistance of DALL·E 2